Welcome to the Club!

[gwaunquest]

The black sea via the Orient Express chaps, I think.

[Kaiserjez]

Certainly Sir, would you like me to get Chef to prepare a hamper?
And I can source some 1st class tickets through a fine young gentleman I know who works over at Bantleboys Travel Emporium if you would like?

[Mick Red]

hampers,hampers!!!!
Jenkins my package now if you would my good man, seems ill be waiting forever for the Sgt Major to re-fill this glass

[Kaiserjez]

There you go Admiral, the gentleman who delivered it seemed rather keen on speaking to you in person, he was a strange looking fellow, quite a bad limp, hooked nose and spoke with a very strange accent. I told him that you were relaxing in the library with the Times and weren't to be disturbed.

[Mick Red]

Have him taken to the smoking lounge please Jenkins i will retire for one of those cigars i know your keeping from me

[Kaiserjez]

Sorry Admiral but he said he couldn't wait, muttered something about a train to catch then slopped off.

[Al]

<60 minutes pass>

What ho chaps

A couple of tips on swimming from an old hand.......

Oh Smith mop up these drips would you, Jenkins filled the room with WET water. What an ARSE
Waddya mean 'Jeeves Sir'?
I don't give a tinker's cuss what your first name is, get a demmned towel

Where was I?
Yes keep the old lungs full of water and one floats
But even an Englishman is hardpressed to breathe the water, should have seen that one coming eh?
Although the old pipe does do service as a breathing tube at a push

SMITH! SMITH! A bloody towel now man.

What? Jeeves is your surname? Look you ARSE if I call you Smith then your NAME is Smith. Get the bloody towel before I have you disembowelled


Now then....

Dreadnought is still alongside so if SALT there gets his arse into gear we can get on board and tell the driver to point the sharp end at Vladivostok.


Sorry your Grace? Why didn't I try it before?
YOU ARSE. Field-Marshall The Right Honourable Rev (defrocked) Lancelot Arbuthnot Anthony Hyde-Bound BSc DSC and Bar does NOT try ANYTHING. He excels! I have never swum before because I have never needed to.


Some guns are in order clearly. Smith this isn't a war so we'll just have a light gun each,
(pause)
GO AND FETCH THEM YOU DULLARD


SALT, Salt where are you?
Ah there beside me Good.
Good GOD man. I knew that you bum bandits frowned on glasses. But there is a difference between swigging rum from the bottle and necking it from the damned barrel, oh hang on I say good idea though cuts down on waiting for the damned staff doesn't it?


WHAT are these SMITH? 12 gauges and bolt-actions? You ARSE
We are going to the East not hunting. LIGHT GUNS not Fowling guns. The 4 pdrs man. And a brace of horses each.


Jenkins is that colonial ARSE with the Rattling Gun still in the cellar where I locked him for his impertinence? GOOD we have a lady present she will need something suitable.


NO CARDINAL! NOT ON THE DEMMNED BAR

Don't you dare wipe it up Jenkins. JENKINS take one more step and I'll have you flayed alive. If the demmned fool tries to keep pace with Her Royal Highness then he has only himself to blame.



Field-Marshall The Right Honourable Rev (defrocked) Lancelot Arbuthnot Anthony Hyde-Bound BSc DSC and Bar

[gwaunquest]

Although I realise that the lack of caviar is significantly more important than mere matters of global intrigue, might I suggest that firstly, the Admiral discovers the contents of the package - unless I am mistaken it will not be the plans of the submarine that he is expecting- and secondly we avail ourselves of the hampers and tickets Jenkins so expediently is able to provide.
Could someone call in Edmundo and Lady Ethel. I believe they are still waltzing on the terrace.

[Mick Red]

*opens the package*

I dont believe my eyes! Lady Ethel take a look at this

*passes the package*

[Al]

DAILY TORYGRAPH
National Hero mourned

It is with the greatest sadness that we must report that Field-Marshall The Right Honourable Rev (defrocked) Lancelot Arbuthnot Anthony Hyde-Bound BSc DSC and Bar passed on last evening. A Highly Placed Source tells us that 'Sah' (as he was of course known to one and all) was engaged in matters of a most delicate and important nature on behalf of His Majesty's government.

Field-Marshall The Right Honourable Rev (defrocked) Lancelot Arbuthnot Anthony Hyde-Bound BSc DSC and Bar was a mere 87 years old and leaves three grieving widows.

His Majesty has declared that a one second silence be observed this noon. Our Sources At The Palace reveal that His Majesty believes that the Field Marshall's exploits to be sufficiently in the minds of his subjects that no more be required.


THE INDEPURITAN
National ARSE barks his last goodbye

Field-Marshall The Right Honourable Rev (defrocked) Lancelot Arbuthnot Anthony Hyde-Bound BSc DSC and Bar was admitted to the Portland hospital last night. Despite the best efforts of twelve surgeons his schlerotic old body gave up the ghost at 1900 hours. This perhaps should surprise no one since the Police surgeon called to 'Arse's' (as he was of course known to one and all) collapse had declared him dead of an MI at 1800. Our Friends in Low Places tell us that 'Arse' finally shuffled off of this mortal coil after collapsing mid rant with Admiral Barrington-Clarke (retired) on the relative merits of a Battleship vs. Luxury Train as transport to obtain caviar.

[Womble]

Right, now that everyone believes Lancelot is dead we can get a move on. I've used some of the club funds to hire a carriage on the Orient Express that leaves this morning at 10.00, and arranged Sherpas to carry the pack elephants to the station.

Jenkins, did you sort out the hampers? I think we shall need at least 4 of them per day. Each. Yes, fellows, I know that means cutting back but just for once we have to travel light!

How's Lancelots disguise getting on? hmmm.... yes, the false beard suits you, but it's almost obscured by your real one.

[Al]

Damn

I rather thought that Jenkins would think that he was looking into a mirror

[Al]

What's that Jenkins? You are clean shaven.

Yes valid point however was chatting to a rather brainy foreign chap at my club last night. (Not THE club you understand) and he was telling me about subtracting negatives and such like. Fascinating stuff. Thought that two beards might cancel out. Turns out to be utter rot of course.

His name? Eisenstein or somesuch. Believe he was a mussulman or something.

Now talking of disguises.

If I may make so bold Your Majesty might it not be an opportune time for you to drop yours. Quite understand that you don't want us to write up our memoires to include the presence of His Britannic Majesty Charles III and of course security and all that. But I should hope that Your Majesty would feel that he is amongst friends here. Capital disguise as 'Jenkins' if I may mention it.


Field -Marshall etc etc (diceased)

[Kaiserjez]

Erm, yes, well, thankyou Field-Marshall for your insights. Are you well, you look a bit pale? Perhaps you would like chef to make you up a hot toddy?

*adjusts preposterous fake sideburns*

[Al]

What's that Your Maj er 'old chap'? A Hot Toddy? Capital idea.

Probably best to ignore my last little outburst. Deluded ramblings of an old drunkard, what?
(enormous wink at 'Jenkins')
The Curare for my little 'heart attack' must have sent me round the twist, eh?

Salt, SALT, SALT,ADMIRAL (retired) for God's sake put that cigar down!
Jeeves would you be so good as to dowse that match? NOW man. The young fella's nearly 90% proof after all that Rum, if he gets near a naked flame then he'll burn like a Chinaman.


Oh and did you and the micket work out what was in the package?


Field-Marshall etc etc (diceased)